Dear Club Ladies,
Thank you ever so much for holding agility practice last night. I so admire your fancy matching weimerarners and vislas that run the course like its the last thing they will do on this earth. Your long blond ponytails that were cool in the eighties while you were in high school swing mightily in the breeze as you tug with your ever-so-drivey dog.
As I am sure you could tell by the absence of personalized license plate or custom decals plastered across my vehicle stating my MACH status, I am still relatively new at this. In case you couldn’t yourself deduce the fact that I did not buy my dog from a breeder for thousands of dollars at eight weeks and raise him to be the most-perfectly-behaved-dog-in-the-universe, let me confirm for ya, I didn’t. The fact that we can more-or-less make it around a course—unfenced, in the middle of a city park—two run offs to rudely harass bystanding dogs or getting stuck in the tunnel notwithstanding, is a minor miracle. You have no freakin’ idea.
Go ahead and make snarky comments and snicker under your breath and say “We better go stand over HERE” the next time I run my course. Go right ahead. I didn’t come here to make friends. I already have many, many lovely friends I do a horrendous job of keeping up with as it is. I don’t need to add you to that list and I am definitely not going to waste any brain cells trying.
However, the next time I am running a course, and you start TEARING IT DOWN while I am still on it, I am going to grab that goddamn tacky-ass ponytail and helicopter you South into the tennis courts. Or even better, straight over into the dog park. Because god FORBID you get any untrained, unMACHed poorly-bred designer dog shit on your mommy jeans.
Don’t you worry, I will keep coming back. I paid my $20 to belong to this club just like the rest of you, and I am going to use every last cent of it. Even if its agonizing for all involved. Especially if its agonizing for you Ponytail.
And to the board member with the 8 screaming Bassett Hounds, keep it real lady. You were the only one who was even remotely kind to us last night. I guess you can sympathize with us, as none of these other people seem to have started out new at anything. Ever.
L & F